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GLENN: I want to thank Pat for filling in for me. I called him, like, at 4:00 in the morning to roust him out of bed and see if he would fill in. I had just finished giving a speech at a fundraiser on Wednesday night and I came home and Joe, who's a new researcher, he actually came over to the house and we were going to finish up some work after this speech and my wife and I were -- we came into the house and Joe was with us and there was something downstairs in the basement that she wanted to show us. She's like, "I just cleaned up the whole basement." I'm like, "That's great, honey, I've got to see that." So I started going down the stairs and I was the first to go down the stairs and I got to the top stair and I slipped all the way down a flight of stairs and was in the hospital.
You know, there's one place that should have valet parking. It's at the hospital. Don't you think? I mean, don't you think you should pull up in the emergency room and go, valet, help me. Please take the keys from me. I'm just thinking that maybe that would be a good place, but no.
So I laid down at the bottom of the stairs for a while and the thought, "Help, I can't get up" did come to mind. Luckily my wife and my friend were with me and so I sat there for about 20 minutes and had that typical debate, you know what I mean? Have you ever had that debate in your head like, "I really should go to the hospital, but, oh, that will be a pain in the neck." Ever had that debate where you know you should be going to the hospital. I mean, there was a moment there I thought I was having internal bleeding and I was still thinking, no, I don't want to go sit in that emergency room. So I debated back and forth whether I should go and finally my wife just said, we're getting the keys; you're going to the hospital. "No, no, I think I'm fine, I can almost -- nope, nope, can't get up yet."
So we piled into the car and my wife drove around trying to find a parking space, which was always -- I'm really kind of stuck on the valet parking thing at the hospitals. I really think they should have that. But anyway, we got inside and they walked me to a little room and said, take off all your clothes. "All right. If you have a knife, you can just cut them off me, please." So then told me to pee in a cup right away, which -- all right, I know this is more information than you need about me, but I'm very shy like things like that and I just looked at the nurse and I said, that ain't going to happen with all you people standing around. You know what I'm saying? I'm sorry. And the doctor came in and immediately gave me a ultrasound, and it's never really good when you hear the doctor behind you say, "There's a lot of liquid there, a lot of fluid. I don't know what that -- we should get him to a CAT scan right away." "Excuse me, Doc, what did you just say?" "Nothing, you're great, nothing. Are you feeling really cold right now?" "No." "Okay, just lay here. Whatever you do, don't walk towards the light."
So I go get a CAT scan and I was happy to know that it was being read in India and I said, pardon me? He said, "Yeah, we ship it to India to look at." I said, "You can't look at the CAT scan and figure out?" No, no, no, they're much better over there. After 11:00 at night, everything's read in India. I don't know if I feel comfortable with that. I mean, is this the same guy that's reading it that I call up and can't fix my computer? "Hello, it's me, Bob, yes, I just tried to fix..." no, I don't think I feel comfortable. Who is reading it over in India? "I don't know, some guy, Bob. He is also working on our computer as well."
So they come back and now the two doctors walk in at the same time. Only time I heard them was, "I don't know, that might be a small toy somewhere near his -- I think that's his liver and a small toy." And they both walk in and, "You're the luckiest guy alive." "Pardon me?" "Yeah, when you came in, we looked at each other and thought, oh, boy, this is going to be a bad one." Okay, you didn't tell me that. You just said don't walk towards the light. I don't even have a bruise on me today. I hurt like crazy. I bruised my ribs as I came down. Didn't break anything. My elbow was the size -- I mean, I looked like a -- you know, I walked in and I was like, "I am not an animal. I am a human being." You know, I kind of had that whole kind of John Merrick thing going for me, at least in the elbow area and the back area. So I slept all day yesterday but wanted to be here, wanted to be here for you. Bullcrap, they would cut my salary if I don't show up. "I wanted to be here for you." So I'm glad I'm -- well, I don't know. I was going to say I'm glad I'm alive but then again, have you seen gas prices lately?
So Harry Reid comes out and says John McCain, his plan to start offshore drilling is just the, you know, more of the same old ideas. I love that line. Failed policies of the past, the same old ideas. Drilling is? Really? "Oh, same old ideas." I don't think so. I don't think we've been doing that an awful lot. In fact, Harry, if I may be so bold, we're drilling and pumping out oil as fast now as we were in the 1940s. Same old ideas? We haven't built anything new here since Gerald Ford was in office. I think these -- when you say "Same old ideas," yeah, they are older than Jerry Ford but I don't remember all those gas price problems back before Jerry Ford. Sure, there was the -- oh, wait a minute. This time -- this is weird. The time that Saudi Arabia was holding us hostage back in the early Seventies. But before that there wasn't really an oil shortage problem, you know? It's weird, same old ideas.
You want to talk about the same old ideas, how about not drilling and putting on a sweater. That kind of sounds like Jimmy Carter. And if my memory serves right, I think I would rather have Jerry Ford as the President than Jimmy Carter, but what do I know. You know what I'm saying? I may have a small toy in my liver. So don't look at me for answers.
Yeah, Glenn, The last time you ended up in there you almost fucking died! I'm so sorry!
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Troubled pop star Amy Winehouse won 5 Grammys last night and there is some slight controversy about it. People, why the hatred for Amy? You make this a big damn deal! It's not! She didn't do anything wrong! Come on people!
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